Self-Initiated
How much of life is “self-initiated”?
i.e. What % of my day do I actually CHOOSE for myself? This is a key aspect of feeling happy and satisfied with life.
When we feel like we have a choice, and when we’re doing things out of our own desire — life shifts. It gives us energy (our life force and most precious resource).
The opposite of “self-initiated” is doing things out of “obligation”. Feeling like we have to. Saying yes out of fear or guilt. It instantly drains our energy.
This is when we burn out.
It’s not about the activity, it’s about the intention.
We can be in back to back meetings all day and be energized — if we wanted to be there. We can also be at a party with our closest friends and have it drain our energy — if we feel we “had” to go.
If we are really honest with ourselves, how much of our days are truly self-initiated? For most, it’s very little.
So, what to do about it?
There are two things we can do when we discover an activity that isn’t self-initiated.
Stop doing it.
Reframe so it is self-initiated.
Number one is self-explanatory. Just don’t do it. Say no to the meeting, don’t respond to the email, politely decline the friend’s kid’s birthday party.
But this is (obviously) hard. The way to build confidence around “not doing it” is to ask ourselves “what will really happen if I don’t do this?” What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? Usually, it’s just a vague fear that’s driving us to feel like we “have” to do something. It’s a story in our head. And it’s usually pretty ridiculous if we actually write it out. If I don’t do 1:1s with every teammate, they will make bad decisions and then quit and I’ll be labeled a bad boss and have to do everyone’s work and then we’ll fail as a company and my reputation will be ruined and I’ll never be able to be successful again. 😂 Usually, the reality is nowhere near as bad as what’s in our head. Almost always, we can course correct if we need to. Canceling 1:1s was a bad idea? Ok, cool. We learned. Start doing them again (And now we have a reason TO do it — it’s self-initiated this time around.)
But we owe it to ourselves and others to find out what happens if we say no to everything that is not self-initiated — when we do things out of perceived obligation, other people feel that negative energy. They know we don’t really want to be there. It’s not good for anyone.
Number two is a little more complicated, but even more powerful.
Example: Agreeing to take my family on a trip over the holidays even though I know it won’t be relaxing, and I would much rather spend it catching up on life admin and rejuvenating by myself. (No, not a real situation at all 😂)
I feel like I “should” go, even though I’m craving some time to just relax. I feel bitter and irritated. It feels like an obligation. This thought is making me feel resentful towards the idea of taking my family on a trip. If I actually go on the trip with this attitude, no one will have fun, and I’ll come back even more stressed out than before. This is what drains our energy. I have to change this.
I have my two options: 1. don’t go or 2. figure out how to make this self-initiated.
But in this case, option 1 (don’t go) feels wrong in my gut. Something tells me I will regret it.
This is my sign — a strong aversion to simply “not doing it”.
This probably means I do WANT it, I just haven’t realized why yet.
I need to re-frame.
Right now, I think I don’t want to go because I want a quiet, relaxing holiday.
The question is, what do I want **more** than quiet, relaxing holiday?
To spend time with my parents while they are still alive, healthy, and mentally capable. 💙
That’s what I actually want. Once I identify that, I can focus on that. This is a choice (as is everything) that I have full agency over.
I am choosing it because it’s something I want — and what I get out of it are memories I’ll treasure forever. Also the freedom to live without regrets in the future.
When we are not willing to cut out the activity we feel we ‘have to do’ — we must figure out why we actually do want it. We have to uncover the piece of it that is self-initiated and remind ourselves of that.
There are only two options:
Stop doing it.
Reframe so it’s self-initiated.
Ultimately, we cannot let ourselves be reactive to life.
If our lives are filled with days that are not self-initiated — we will feel callous, bitter, resentful, depressed. We must proactively choose how we fill our life. It’s our responsibility to eliminate the thought that we “have to” do anything we don’t want to.
So, we must go through our day. What percent of it was truly self-initiated? How can we increase that percentage just slightly today? And again tomorrow?
Imagine a life where every minute of every day was self-initiated. How freeing would it be?